My luckless romance

I was listening to this track called Almost Lover by A fine frenzy, I couldn't help but listen to it over and over again. I feel as if, this song was made for me. The moment I tried to understand the lyrics, we clicked. It laid down every word for me...

I will not write about every sentence that pinches my heart, but there’s one paragraph that messes me up, and it goes on like this:

“I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
without you on my mind
so you're gone and I'm haunted
and I bet you are just fine
did I make it that easy
to walk right in and out of my life?”

Yes, I cannot drive or travel at night without having to think of you. I remember I went to meet him. It was an overnight bus ride. I kept looking out the window, I couldn’t sleep that night. I felt happy that I was going to see him but deep down, I was sad, sad that this happiness will be short-lived; and yes it was...

I won’t say that I wake every day thinking about him, but there has not been a moment when my heart stopped beating for him. I am amazed and shocked at the same time, as to what has come out of me.

He is always gone and I am always haunted by the way my heart beats for him. Always haunted by the way I am being treated. Haunted by the way, he says something and does something. Always haunted by the way I feel so FUCKED UP when I miss him...

He is fine and I am fine too. I am the FINEST girl in this whole world if you know what I mean.. I can act like I am totally over him but I am so messed up in my heart.

Yes, I make it darn easy for him to just walk in and out of my life. I make it easy for him, not because that’s how I want things to be. That memory even though short lived, will be the best of my life and him, always has been.  

I am trying not to think about you, but my thoughts are filled with your memories.  I am trying not to meet you, but my heart is unstoppable when it comes to you.  I am trying not to kiss you but I can’t control my feelings when I am with you. I am trying everything to make you fade away slowly from my life, but I can’t.

Or am I not trying harder? Do I like it like this? Do I want things to be unchanged? Do I want my heart to always beat for him? Do I want these feelings to linger forever?

I think I am scared to let him go. I think I am scared to not think about him. I think I am scared to not have butterflies in my tummy when I see him. I think I am scared to un-love him.

Am I being too selfish? Selfish to drive you away from my thoughts? Am I thinking only about my memories? What about the ones who feel the same way about me, like how I feel for him? If this is called selfishness, then I am the most fucked up girl, I guess. Can I help it? Can I make myself understand that the heart is tired? Can I make myself understand that the body can’t take all these sufferings of the heart and the constant questionings in the head?  Or Am I just confused? Confused about my luckless romance..