The love of her life.....

Remembering the times when I told myself that, that was it; I shouldn’t look back and that I should forget him. It’s been years and that should be enough time to put a closure on something that never happened fully.  Maybe I was right back then, but could never get myself to allow what I told myself. Then maybe I would have recovered, recovered from all the heartbreak and the trauma, I had to go through. Your disappearing act broke me into pieces. Every time you disappeared I felt as if you fed me needles. I know the needles will only pain me, but I was so in love with you, I happily ate those needles; felt every bit of pain, every wound that it carved, made me fall for you.

Now that I look back, I feel terribly sad for that girl, who was so crazy for you. Crazy about the way you looked at her, crazy about the smile you gave when she looked at you, crazy about the moments when you told you loved her, crazy about the feelings she felt when you touched her, crazy about every bit of you. She fell crazy in love with you when you told her, that even though you couldn’t stay with her then, you had a long way to go and that things will turn all good. Little did you know the kind of emotions you were developing into her? It hurts to see that girl falling for you, every time you came back to her life. It didn’t matter, who she was with, where she was and what she was supposed to do; all she knew and saw and loved was you.

It burns me to see that girl, asking and questioning herself about why you and she were not official in Facebook when all the other girls you dated had that tag on. Every time she saw your page, she cried her heart out but could never question you. She fisted her heart again and again and stopped herself from the entire trauma. Geared up and tried to forget you. Forced herself to move on and she finally thought she did. She thought she was happy and even though you crossed her mind, she knew she had to move on and she did. Then you resurfaced yourself again and nothing else mattered; she yearned for your love. Even though she knew that this too would be short lived; your presence was what mattered to her. She knew she couldn’t make you stay, so, she loved you, however, she could. She knew she was dragging herself to hell, but she was stupid, so stupid that nothing else mattered to her. She knew tomorrow you’ll be gone and might never come back to her life again. That moment of happiness was what she craved for. She didn’t care about what people would say, her eyes longed for you and her heart loved you.

If you were the one, seeing what she would do when she missed you. You would know that there will never come another girl who would love you like she did. It pains my heart now to see, how she would force herself into reading inspirational books, just to keep her strong and happy. She wanted to show you how happy she was without you but, her heart always failed her.  Her heart failed her every time you crossed her mind and she melted every time you resurfaced in her life.

It makes me feel like pulling out my lungs, kidney, intestines and every possible part of my body to know that, that girl was me. You just tossed me aside like a scratch book, which you use only when you want to solve your problems or distract you from your issues in life. I know we didn’t need farewells and closure to bring an end to what I thought we had, because as far as I remember we hadn’t opened a door.  I would never know what we really had. Was it only one-sided? Why couldn’t you carry me to the other side of the fence where everything was beautiful? What was stopping you? We never acted liked friends; we kissed whenever we had the chance as if we were running out of time. You use to hold my hand so tightly that made me think, how can a person like you leave me stranded all alone.  Neither you nor can I deny the warmth we felt in each other's arms; the passion even though short-lived can never be replaced by anyone.

I don’t know whether I should blame you or blame myself, but enough of all the blame games. Because what we had was nothing anyway. I had no rights nor could I claim you as mine, but the fact that I gave you everything and you are and will always be the love of my life.