Love, love me❤️

There s a piece of me that wants to love you. Love you like how love is meant to be. 💘
Kiss you like how kisses are suppose to be. 💏
Hug you with a never ending bond. 🙇
Hold you, wishing our hands never parts. 👫

But You were gone, long gone from my life. 👥

Why did you go? I still have to express my feelings, my never ending overflowing feelings for you...😣

Won't you ever come back? Who will wipe and kiss away this pain that I am left with.. 😢

Please change your mind and come back to me. 🙋🏻

Back to my messy life, a life only you can purify. 👾

A life that always longs for your love and nothing else... 🙍🏻

Love don't leave me stranded all alone! 🙏🏻😓😥😪😭

My luckless romance

I was listening to this track called Almost Lover by A fine frenzy, I couldn't help but listen to it over and over again. I feel as if, this song was made for me. The moment I tried to understand the lyrics, we clicked. It laid down every word for me...

I will not write about every sentence that pinches my heart, but there’s one paragraph that messes me up, and it goes on like this:

“I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
without you on my mind
so you're gone and I'm haunted
and I bet you are just fine
did I make it that easy
to walk right in and out of my life?”

Yes, I cannot drive or travel at night without having to think of you. I remember I went to meet him. It was an overnight bus ride. I kept looking out the window, I couldn’t sleep that night. I felt happy that I was going to see him but deep down, I was sad, sad that this happiness will be short-lived; and yes it was...

I won’t say that I wake every day thinking about him, but there has not been a moment when my heart stopped beating for him. I am amazed and shocked at the same time, as to what has come out of me.

He is always gone and I am always haunted by the way my heart beats for him. Always haunted by the way I am being treated. Haunted by the way, he says something and does something. Always haunted by the way I feel so FUCKED UP when I miss him...

He is fine and I am fine too. I am the FINEST girl in this whole world if you know what I mean.. I can act like I am totally over him but I am so messed up in my heart.

Yes, I make it darn easy for him to just walk in and out of my life. I make it easy for him, not because that’s how I want things to be. That memory even though short lived, will be the best of my life and him, always has been.  

I am trying not to think about you, but my thoughts are filled with your memories.  I am trying not to meet you, but my heart is unstoppable when it comes to you.  I am trying not to kiss you but I can’t control my feelings when I am with you. I am trying everything to make you fade away slowly from my life, but I can’t.

Or am I not trying harder? Do I like it like this? Do I want things to be unchanged? Do I want my heart to always beat for him? Do I want these feelings to linger forever?

I think I am scared to let him go. I think I am scared to not think about him. I think I am scared to not have butterflies in my tummy when I see him. I think I am scared to un-love him.

Am I being too selfish? Selfish to drive you away from my thoughts? Am I thinking only about my memories? What about the ones who feel the same way about me, like how I feel for him? If this is called selfishness, then I am the most fucked up girl, I guess. Can I help it? Can I make myself understand that the heart is tired? Can I make myself understand that the body can’t take all these sufferings of the heart and the constant questionings in the head?  Or Am I just confused? Confused about my luckless romance..

The love of her life.....

Remembering the times when I told myself that, that was it; I shouldn’t look back and that I should forget him. It’s been years and that should be enough time to put a closure on something that never happened fully.  Maybe I was right back then, but could never get myself to allow what I told myself. Then maybe I would have recovered, recovered from all the heartbreak and the trauma, I had to go through. Your disappearing act broke me into pieces. Every time you disappeared I felt as if you fed me needles. I know the needles will only pain me, but I was so in love with you, I happily ate those needles; felt every bit of pain, every wound that it carved, made me fall for you.

Now that I look back, I feel terribly sad for that girl, who was so crazy for you. Crazy about the way you looked at her, crazy about the smile you gave when she looked at you, crazy about the moments when you told you loved her, crazy about the feelings she felt when you touched her, crazy about every bit of you. She fell crazy in love with you when you told her, that even though you couldn’t stay with her then, you had a long way to go and that things will turn all good. Little did you know the kind of emotions you were developing into her? It hurts to see that girl falling for you, every time you came back to her life. It didn’t matter, who she was with, where she was and what she was supposed to do; all she knew and saw and loved was you.

It burns me to see that girl, asking and questioning herself about why you and she were not official in Facebook when all the other girls you dated had that tag on. Every time she saw your page, she cried her heart out but could never question you. She fisted her heart again and again and stopped herself from the entire trauma. Geared up and tried to forget you. Forced herself to move on and she finally thought she did. She thought she was happy and even though you crossed her mind, she knew she had to move on and she did. Then you resurfaced yourself again and nothing else mattered; she yearned for your love. Even though she knew that this too would be short lived; your presence was what mattered to her. She knew she couldn’t make you stay, so, she loved you, however, she could. She knew she was dragging herself to hell, but she was stupid, so stupid that nothing else mattered to her. She knew tomorrow you’ll be gone and might never come back to her life again. That moment of happiness was what she craved for. She didn’t care about what people would say, her eyes longed for you and her heart loved you.

If you were the one, seeing what she would do when she missed you. You would know that there will never come another girl who would love you like she did. It pains my heart now to see, how she would force herself into reading inspirational books, just to keep her strong and happy. She wanted to show you how happy she was without you but, her heart always failed her.  Her heart failed her every time you crossed her mind and she melted every time you resurfaced in her life.

It makes me feel like pulling out my lungs, kidney, intestines and every possible part of my body to know that, that girl was me. You just tossed me aside like a scratch book, which you use only when you want to solve your problems or distract you from your issues in life. I know we didn’t need farewells and closure to bring an end to what I thought we had, because as far as I remember we hadn’t opened a door.  I would never know what we really had. Was it only one-sided? Why couldn’t you carry me to the other side of the fence where everything was beautiful? What was stopping you? We never acted liked friends; we kissed whenever we had the chance as if we were running out of time. You use to hold my hand so tightly that made me think, how can a person like you leave me stranded all alone.  Neither you nor can I deny the warmth we felt in each other's arms; the passion even though short-lived can never be replaced by anyone.

I don’t know whether I should blame you or blame myself, but enough of all the blame games. Because what we had was nothing anyway. I had no rights nor could I claim you as mine, but the fact that I gave you everything and you are and will always be the love of my life.